Instructions for Your NVC Cards

This page is linked from the QR codes on our NVC cards. For each card face from the NVC Starter Set, you will find a short user guide here: what the card is for and how to work with it at home, in the office, or in the seminar room.

Feedback Conversations: Clear, Open, Empathic

NVC card Feedback conversations: five steps for a clear conversation

This card is for conversations you keep putting off: your colleague has interrupted you for the third time in a meeting, your employee delivers later than promised, and you want to address it without damaging the collaboration.

The five steps take you through such a conversation, and it is best to complete the first three calmly beforehand. Clarify for yourself exactly what triggered you and whether your aim is understanding, connection, or change. Then collect what a camera would have recorded and separate it from the story you are telling yourself about it. Finally, look for the good intention behind the behavior, even if it is difficult to see right now. In the conversation itself, the example sentences on the right half of the card help, such as “I remember three times last week when you ... and I get the impression that ...”. End with a connecting question such as “How are you feeling about my suggestion?”, phrased so that a no also has room. A quick yes that does not hold three weeks later costs you more than an honest follow-up question.

How to formulate feedback without making the other person shut down is explored in the article Feedback Without Attack.

Observation and Concrete Requests

NVC card Observation instead of interpretation and specific requests, with example pairs

This card face highlights the two points where sentences most often go off track. The first is the difference between observation and interpretation. The card’s test question is: What would a camera have recorded? “You never listen to me” fails the test. “You reach for your phone while I am talking” passes it, and the other person immediately knows what you mean. The five example pairs work as a self-test: Cover the green column and translate the red sentences yourself first.

The second point is requests. A request becomes concrete when the other person knows what they can do and when, and it remains a request as long as no is allowed. “Please be on time next time!” becomes “Can you call me if you are going to be late?”. If the answer is no, the question “What do you need to be able to say yes?” keeps the conversation going.

Before sending your next sensitive message, read it once with the card beside it: Does it contain an observation and a concrete request, or a judgment and a vague wish? The background is provided by Observation Without Evaluation.

Values and Attitudes for Good Collaboration

NVC card Values and attitudes for good collaboration: the values map

The values map collects what matters to people in collaboration, from reliability and equality to humor, grouped around the center “It is important to us that ...”. It does not prescribe steps; it is there for showing and selecting.

Use it on your own before a difficult conversation: Which three values matter most to me in this situation right now? Being able to name them makes it easier to say clearly what matters to you and to recognize more quickly which value the other person is defending. The reminder at the bottom of the card says: When you know what matters to you and the other person, you can give feedback more empathically and clearly.

In teams, the map works as an introduction to retreats and workshops. Everyone marks their three most important values, and the clusters structure the day. If each person should have their own copy, the design is available as an individual hand card from five pieces.

Upside-Down Judgments: From Blame to Need

NVC card Turning judgments upside down: from evaluation to need

At the top of the card is a question from Marshall Rosenberg: “Do you want to be right or be happy? You can’t have both.” As long as you insist that the other person is to blame or is doing something “wrong,” you will meet resistance. The card therefore redirects your attention from evaluation to what is missing for you.

The tool for this is the upside-down method. You turn the judgment into its opposite and find your need behind it: “You’re really sloppy!” becomes “orderly,” and behind that lies what you actually need: order and structure. You can say this without making the other person take cover: “I need order and structure.”

Try it with a real judgment from this week, about your boss, your neighbor, or yourself. Turn it around and see which value becomes visible. In teams, the exercise is useful whenever people judge someone who is absent: Instead of a reckoning, a wish suddenly enters the room—one that can be discussed. Explained in detail in Translating Judgments.

Empathy Toolkit

NVC card Empathy toolkit: seven tools for listening

The toolkit is for moments when someone tells you something and you want to do more than nod: your partner after a terrible day, a colleague who is angry about the boss. The card separates what is said (stories, criticism, judgments, justifications) from what you can hear in it: how the person is feeling, what matters to them, and what they would like. You do not have to agree; understanding is enough.

Seven tools are available, from silence and giving space to reflecting back in your own words and making a guess such as “So, are you angry because reliability is important to you?”. The order in your head makes the difference; on the card it is called: connection is more important than solutions. Only when the other person feels understood do you share your view, with the connecting request “Would you like to hear how I see it?”

For now, choose one conversation in which you only listen and try two of the seven tools. You can find more help with listening in Listening Empathically.

Self-Empathy First-Aid Kit

NVC card Self-empathy first-aid kit: four steps for guilt, shame, and anger

The first-aid kit is the card for the moment when criticism catches you off guard: anger rises, shame follows, and in your head the reckoning begins, sometimes with the other person, sometimes with yourself. Instead, the card offers an uncomfortable instruction: take care of yourself first.

Four steps guide you through it. Regulate, using the card’s wording: “I am safe. I do not have to react. I have a choice.” And breathe. Sensing means noticing what is happening inside you without evaluating it; you are not your feeling. Refocusing is especially helpful with shame and guilt: What was your good intention, what happened objectively, and which needs are involved? Only then comes action: You have a choice—what would be good for you now?

The card is most useful when you go through it calmly after such a moment, at the kitchen table after the failed phone call. Your first reaction comes from your conditioning, as the card says. Which response you give afterward is your decision. More on this in Self-Empathy.

Feelings Compass

NVC card Feelings compass: feelings in four fields according to energy and pleasantness

The feelings compass helps with a question that sounds easier than it is: What am I actually feeling right now? More than 50 feeling words are arranged along two axes: pleasant or unpleasant, high or low energy. This creates four fields, from fight/flight (angry, irritated, worried) to the safe harbor (calm, touched, peaceful).

Use the card before replying to the email that has been occupying you for an hour: Which field are you in, and how much energy is there? “Frustrated” is different from “downcast,” and the more precise word leads you more quickly to what you need right now.

In groups, the compass is a check-in without a long explanation: Everyone points to where they are on the card. It is more specific than “good, thanks” and faster than a round of sharing how everyone feels. It is also worth looking at after role-plays in a seminar to see what was really present in the exercise. You can find more words in Naming Feelings.

First Aid for Conflicts

NVC card First aid for conflicts: questions for supporting two people in conflict

This card face is for the moment when two other people clash and you want to support them: your children, two colleagues, or a couple among your friends. In conflict, both sides have a strong need to be understood. That is exactly where the questions begin, which is why the focus is on one person at a time.

You begin with one side (“What would you like him to understand?”) and have the other reflect back what they heard (“What did you hear from her?”). If something is missing, add it from what you heard. Translate judgments into needs: “When you say she does not care, do you mean you would like more consideration?” Then switch to the other person. The solution level deliberately comes last on the card, once both people have been heard: “What is needed now for it to work for both of you again?”

Do not expect perfect mediation from yourself. The structure alone—letting one person at a time finish speaking and reflect back—changes the tone. Facilitating a Clarification Conversationshows you how to accompany a clarification conversation from beginning to end.

For Further Practice

A card reminds you of the structure; practice is still up to you. If you want to try the steps live, you can find our NVC seminars at impactinstitut.com; in the free experience webinar, you can get to know us without obligation beforehand.