What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You

“You make me angry.” The sentence is quickly said. In Nonviolent Communication, we look more closely: What happened, what am I telling myself about it, what am I feeling, and what need is making itself known?

Feelings give you information

A feeling shows how you are doing in a situation right now. Pleasant feelings may indicate that important needs are being met. Unpleasant feelings often make visible that something important is missing.

This does not yet determine what you should do. You can pause briefly and become more specific.

Distinguishing the trigger, evaluation, and need

Another person’s words or actions can trigger a feeling. How you interpret the situation and which needs are touched also form part of your response. This distinction takes what happened seriously and gives you more room to act than simply asking who is to blame.

“You ignore me,” for example, can become: “When you looked at your phone while I was asking my question, I felt disappointed. Attention was important to me.” This does not resolve the conflict yet. But the other person can hear what is actually going on inside you.

Look more closely at what lies between feeling and reaction.

You gain a moment in which you can examine your first reaction.

A brief self-clarification

1. What did I actually see or hear? Describe the situation so that a camera could have recorded it.
2. What am I feeling? Look for a word that describes your inner state.
3. What is important to me? Ask about the need behind the feeling.
4. What would I like now? Formulate a concrete request to yourself or the other person.

Sometimes you find the right word immediately. Sometimes you need a list or a card in front of you. That is why we developed the illustrated needs cards .

How Nonviolent Communication can enrich your life

In our seminar work, we experience that when you focus on feelings and needs in yourself and the other person, it changes the quality of your conversations.